When “Working on the Relationship” Isn’t the Fix
For those of us raised in cultures that prioritize deep connection, our first instinct when a relationship is strained is to try to "fix" it. We lean in, listen more, and double down on empathy.
But what happens when this actually makes things worse?
One of my coaching clients* felt frustrated with an employee who wasn’t pulling his weight. Knowing her employee had challenges at home, my client responded by listening more, taking on extra tasks, and staying late to be supportive.
Over time, other team members began to pick up the slack, and were complaining about the work. My client understood everyone’s perspective, and believed that the workload would eventually balance out.
It didn’t.
Instead of helping, her good intentions amplified friction and gradually cost her the team’s trust.
The Relational Trap
What my client experienced is what I call the Relational Trap: the moment a high-empathy manager tries to solve a “structural” problem with more warmth, connection, or empathy.
This is where the trap closes: any strength overused becomes a liability. By over-relying on emotional intelligence, we may overlook the more practical structural dynamics creating strain.
And yes, great relationships at work have immense value. Research from Gallup even shows that having a “best friend at work” increases engagement and productivity. But when a relationship-building talent is over-indexed, every issue seems like a threat to the bond.
When the Problem Isn't Personal
Professional relationships emerge from roles, goals, authority, and agreements. When these structural elements are unclear, tension emerges—even when you care deeply for your team.
Trying to solve a structural issue with more empathy or “deeper connection” can mask:
Misaligned goals
Unclear expectations
Fuzzy roles
Ineffective accountability
Over time, these structural gaps erode collaboration and performance.
Bringing In a Different Strength
Relationship Building talents like Empathy, Relator, and Connectedness help you understand people — their emotions, motivations, and perspectives - to build stronger bonds.
To identify if you are in a Relational Trap ask yourself: are you overusing your emotional intelligence or relationship building talents to solve a structural problem?
If you are, you can move out of the trap by leaning into a different set of strengths to:
Clarify Purpose: What is this role or partnership accountable for delivering — regardless of feelings?
Clarify Agreements: What is the specific "contract" (deadlines, quality standards, roles) that is currently being broken, unspoken, or unmet? Is there a new “contract” that needs to be set?
Clarify Accountability: What is the specific action that needs to be taken? By when?
For my client, this this led to having a difficult conversation with her team member, and reassigning roles to create a more sustainable soution for everyone. At first, she feared appearing uncaring or "cold". Paradoxically, clarifying structure was what everyone needed to move forward and begin rebuilding trust.
This clarity isn’t about being less empathetic — it’s about letting structure hold what connection alone cannot.
Taking the next step
If you’re a high-empathy leader who is seeking to reclaim their authority without losing heart, or to figure out having difficult conversations, I’d love to work with you - you can book a free call to continue the conversation.
*Client and case details modified for confidentiality purposes.
